The Quest

Friends,

This evening is the eve of my entry into a year of immersion in silence and meditation. The last time I did this was 1984-86, about a year and a half. Much has changed since then. A friend asked me if I had apprehension as I approached this time. This time.. no. In times past as I approached week long intensive retreats, sesshins in the Zen tradition, I would often have great doubts and fears arise. I think it helps that I am in my own home where I feel a great sense of peace and psychological security. I come from a base of insecurity, that being in the space of others brought up many trust concerns. I know I have great support in my spouse, Jeanette, and in my many friends.

Someone suggested last Thurs. that I had a few days to party. Well, not an appealing thought. I did think that perhaps there would be a video that I might like to see in anticipation of not watching any videos or seeking any entertainment. I decided to watch the Lord of the Rings series. I saw the first one, the "Fellowship of the Ring." I found myself not particularly engaged in all the story but focused on a few things. One of them is the "ring" itself. And the other is the quest.

Every spirituality has its mythical or story dimension. When I was a child, perhaps about 11 years old, I became ill. I found a couple of books from my grandmother's book shelf. (We lived with her at the time.) One was La Divina Commedia - The Divine Comedy by Dante. The other was an anthology of stories of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Both are stories of quests, mythical journeys to seek ultimate truth and healing. Dante goes in search of his Beatrice, the feminine aspect of the Divine. But his journey takes him first into the underworld of the darkness of hell. And hell, a state, not a place, is the name we give for the state of separateness and suffering. The journey through the circles of "inferno" is a teaching for all the ills and origins of human suffering. Metaphorically the pilgrim is facing his/her own condition of darkness and separateness, usually hidden from conscious awareness.

In the second volume I read of the search for the Holy Grail. And it struck me like lightning, I should say it helped me to awaken a desire in me that is more potent and life-giving than any other desire. It is my heart's desire and I have spent a lifetime unifying my life and vital energies around that one desire. The Holy Grail of legend is the metaphor, the cup of Life, the cup of Divinity, that is never empty but always Self-giving, Self-offering, without expectation. In the years that have followed my dream life has taken on the imagery of Dante's descent and Sir Parsifal and Sir Galahad's quest.

A year's commitment to intensive spiritual practice can be seen as a quest, and this pilgrim is about to pick up his staff and take the first steps. There is no other choice for me that offers any Life or freedom. This space has been given and the door is opening and I am willing to walk through. Such opportunity is a deep blessing in life. I bear my own version of Sauron's ring of power. While seeming to offer control and the illusion of a private self fulfillment my ring brings only suffering to myself and others. Only its dissolution will bring freedom for me and goodness for those in my life. And each of us has a ring of power, a ring of binding attachment to a separate-self seeking its own completion in itself, a destiny that is fatally flawed and brings only suffering to oneself and others. The branch of the tree can never have a separate existence, the branch is not separate from the vine, the wave is not separate from the ocean. Our freedom arises from our capacity to be given to the truth of our essence and live that truth fully.

So after watching the first film of the trilogy it was enough to leave it with Frodo and Sam beginning their walk into Mordor to bring Sauron's ring to Mt. Doom where it must be cast into the dissolving fire of its origins. For each of us, unlike the final episode, that must be an entirely willing project. And we do it because through our awakening we come to know the ring of power is, in fact, a ring of bondage. But as in every quest the journey takes us into danger and into the darkness of our own consciousness/soul and its unhealed and twisted knots. Those spaces must be held to the Light of Presence and awakening in order to be made whole. But who knows what inner allies we may meet, and my guide is a true and faithful one, Aslan.

For many years I dreamed a dream quest. In the quest I was entering a large castle of many rooms. From the center of the castle emanated a menacing presence, a guardian entity of some sort. And each room was filled with a haunted spirit. The quest involved of necessity a confrontation with each spirit in each room progressively. While filled with dread I would see the spirit and see the dilemma they were caught in and would bless and embrace them. In so doing they would be freed of their captivity to the particular room and would become an ally in the quest. Such is the nature of the confrontation with our own ghosts and unhealed inner places. Slowly each room in the castle was filled with light. But the whole castle cannot be Light until the ring is thrown into the fires of its forging and surrendered in entirety. That is the work of a lifetime.

That is my take on it, at this point. Hopefully the understanding will deepen in the course of this year and I will follow faithfully Aslan's lead.
All your expressions of support and encouragement are received with deep bows.
Bill Ryan
cmpnwtr@earthlink.net