Starting Fresh

"Abba Poemen said about Abba Pior that every single day he made a fresh beginning." (Sayings from the Desert Fathers- collected by Nomura)

Friends,
This is one of the sayings passed down from those pilgrims who went into the desert of North Africa and the Middle East to realize an utter simplicity and wholeness of life based on interior communion with the Divine in silence and in manual labor and the practice of Prayer of the Heart meditation. These men and women, known as abbas and ammas (spiritual fathers and mothers) of the desert, were the source of this rich spiritual tradition of meditative discipline and inner transformation. This is the tradition in which I participate in transmitting teaching and practice to others.

This particular saying seems relatively straightforward and not particularly profound if you take is as a description of an attitude only. Such an attitude itself is a good thing. However, there is something much more profound to be understood. The realization, the awareness, that our human life arises fresh, alive, and new from a greater flow of a Life that encompasses all, each moment of life is a great Wisdom, a great liberation. These is the basis for what we understand as "mindfulness" practice in Buddhism, or the Practice of the Presence of God, in Christianity. Through our capacity to enter into Presence, and the Self-Offering Life within Presence, we knock and enter the doorway to the Eternal dimension of things, while totally living and acting in the temporal reality that seems to limit and hem us in all sides.

Such an interesting and seeming paradox. The Zennists would say this is the universal koan of life, Eternal in the temporal, temporal in the Eternal, numinous in the phenomenal. Yeshua would say this is taking up our cross daily and following Him. We wash the dishes, we sweep the floor, we pour our morning tea, we scratch ourselves and sneeze, yet each when done with the fullness of presence, and the fullness of compassionate, loving concern, it becomes a gateway into the Universal circle that encompasses all. Each act when done fresh and alive, becomes transparently numinous. One of my openings in this area came some 25 years ago. While working in the kitchen of a Zen monastery ( I graduated from sifting rocks from the soil in the cold outdoors), I was given the job of sorting beans, and picking out the bits of gravel and impurities or dirt that was in the beans. Now I did this for one or two hours at a time. Without the practice of presence this would have been interminable and boring. As I released from my tedium, my judgments and relaxed into being completely present, each handful of beans would fall into an aluminum pie pan. I began to see each scatter of beans new and fresh, uniquely here in that particular configuration. Each speck of dirt or rock was new. And the experience, rather than becoming tedious and boring, became instead profoundly peaceful, alive, and joyful.

I don't claim to approach every task this way. But I confess as I am going through the garage, the storage room, the garden shed, sifting through everything, putting in the dumpster what has now become useless debris, sweeping up the dirt, wiping away the cobwebs, and rediscovering items that can be used or donated to charities to us. I find myself very much in joy, very alive, and enjoying the manual labor and its sensation in my body. We are going to move in about four months and this work,not only is useful and helpful but is a profound practice of meditation.

In the middle of our human life we have a foot in the whole weight of conditioning that has preceded us, from our own actions and attitudes and from the historical collective of actions and attitudes of those who have preceded us. This is inescapable. Yet freedom is possible. It is so because the other foot is ever planted in the unconditioned world of Limitless Life arising within and around new and fresh. No matter how badly we have blown it, or those before us, the next moment is always new, fresh, alive, and offers us freedom to bring forth what is deepest and truest within us. My former teacher, Roshi Jiyu Kennett, used to say, " Seven times down, eight times up." The Eternal moment is always here and we are always in it. We are in it either awake or asleep, but we are in it, eternally.
Bill Ryan
cmpnwtr@earthlink.net

Kenosis

Friends,

At some point along the way we arrive at an understanding of what our starting point is, what is the paradigm/vision around which we build our life. The rational/empiricists, the fundamentalists in religion and political ideology, the humanists, and the mystics all arrive at their own understanding of what their starting point is. It remains a mystery to me how this happens. We cannot underestimate cultural conditioning. It is said in the West when a person asks about another's religion, the important question is, what are your beliefs? Asking about a person's religion in the East will lead to the important question, what is your practice? I am of the conviction that the latter is the important question. Practice here does not refer to repetition, rather it stems from the Greek word, praxis, which means to actualize what is already hidden or unmanifest.

The Wisdom traditions of East, West, North, and South teach that the starting point is Essence. Essence is what is already present, already within and around us, but because of perceptual limitations we do not comprehend, we come to awareness in a developmental process. In the Semitic Wisdom traditions of the Abrahamic Faiths in the Middle East and North Africa therefore the praxis of prayer/meditation/contemplation whether in silence and sitting, in ecstatic movement, or in the middle of work and activity, is called the Remembrance of God. It is important to recall also that the names of God in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam have a common root. In Judaism the root words are Ela', or Elohim, in Christianity, Allaha ( the Aramaic term that Yeshua used to refer to God), and in Islam, Allah, or Allahu. This root word means the original Unity from which all life and existence arise.

When our starting point is Essence, and that Essence is the source of our true life and identity, then the way we come to spiritual knowledge is not by pouring something foreign into our soul, or consciousness, but by uncovering what is at the heart, or the center of our being. Hence the meditation praxis of the desert wisdom tradition is frequently called the Prayer of the Heart. "Heart" in this case does not refer to the affective center, or the anatomical organ, but rather to the ontological center of our being, that in the tradition is the dwelling place or sanctuary of the Life and Presence of our Source. This original Unity from which we arise is also the Unity which holds our life and being and humanity together.

To uncover or to Re-member Essence involves a process of actualization or praxis. In the meditation of Prayer of the Heart we cultivate our capacity for awareness, seeing, being present to what is. As this capacity grows it opens to the quality of pure presence, a quality of the Essential Life already within us. We also cultivate our capacity for self-offering or surrender. As this capacity grows we uncover that our self-offering is in fact a dimension of the universal self-offering, what we call love, coming alive and manifesting in us. When deep meditation, therefore, meets the full spectrum of all conditions of life, the result is the capacity to be Presence, to be self-giving Love with whatever is before you. This is the compassionate life. We know this process of uncovering as kenosis, letting go, emptying of all that is non-essential, so that essential Presence and Self-giving Love can arise and live in us. We don't make it happen, it is already there as a potential Life within us, to be actualized and lived in this humanity, in this consciousness/soul, in this personality, in this gender, within all the phenomenal temporal qualities of the life we live. In this way we bring forth the numinous eternal dimension of reality within the phenomenal impermanent and transitory dimension of reality. The Buddhists call this awakening to the non-duality of samsara (transitory) and nirvana(eternal). The Christians call it abiding in the Kingdom of Heaven while living in the world.

That's why we practice, kenosis is how we do it.
Peace to all,
Bill Ryan
cmpnwtr@earthlink.net

The Quest

Friends,

This evening is the eve of my entry into a year of immersion in silence and meditation. The last time I did this was 1984-86, about a year and a half. Much has changed since then. A friend asked me if I had apprehension as I approached this time. This time.. no. In times past as I approached week long intensive retreats, sesshins in the Zen tradition, I would often have great doubts and fears arise. I think it helps that I am in my own home where I feel a great sense of peace and psychological security. I come from a base of insecurity, that being in the space of others brought up many trust concerns. I know I have great support in my spouse, Jeanette, and in my many friends.

Someone suggested last Thurs. that I had a few days to party. Well, not an appealing thought. I did think that perhaps there would be a video that I might like to see in anticipation of not watching any videos or seeking any entertainment. I decided to watch the Lord of the Rings series. I saw the first one, the "Fellowship of the Ring." I found myself not particularly engaged in all the story but focused on a few things. One of them is the "ring" itself. And the other is the quest.

Every spirituality has its mythical or story dimension. When I was a child, perhaps about 11 years old, I became ill. I found a couple of books from my grandmother's book shelf. (We lived with her at the time.) One was La Divina Commedia - The Divine Comedy by Dante. The other was an anthology of stories of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Both are stories of quests, mythical journeys to seek ultimate truth and healing. Dante goes in search of his Beatrice, the feminine aspect of the Divine. But his journey takes him first into the underworld of the darkness of hell. And hell, a state, not a place, is the name we give for the state of separateness and suffering. The journey through the circles of "inferno" is a teaching for all the ills and origins of human suffering. Metaphorically the pilgrim is facing his/her own condition of darkness and separateness, usually hidden from conscious awareness.

In the second volume I read of the search for the Holy Grail. And it struck me like lightning, I should say it helped me to awaken a desire in me that is more potent and life-giving than any other desire. It is my heart's desire and I have spent a lifetime unifying my life and vital energies around that one desire. The Holy Grail of legend is the metaphor, the cup of Life, the cup of Divinity, that is never empty but always Self-giving, Self-offering, without expectation. In the years that have followed my dream life has taken on the imagery of Dante's descent and Sir Parsifal and Sir Galahad's quest.

A year's commitment to intensive spiritual practice can be seen as a quest, and this pilgrim is about to pick up his staff and take the first steps. There is no other choice for me that offers any Life or freedom. This space has been given and the door is opening and I am willing to walk through. Such opportunity is a deep blessing in life. I bear my own version of Sauron's ring of power. While seeming to offer control and the illusion of a private self fulfillment my ring brings only suffering to myself and others. Only its dissolution will bring freedom for me and goodness for those in my life. And each of us has a ring of power, a ring of binding attachment to a separate-self seeking its own completion in itself, a destiny that is fatally flawed and brings only suffering to oneself and others. The branch of the tree can never have a separate existence, the branch is not separate from the vine, the wave is not separate from the ocean. Our freedom arises from our capacity to be given to the truth of our essence and live that truth fully.

So after watching the first film of the trilogy it was enough to leave it with Frodo and Sam beginning their walk into Mordor to bring Sauron's ring to Mt. Doom where it must be cast into the dissolving fire of its origins. For each of us, unlike the final episode, that must be an entirely willing project. And we do it because through our awakening we come to know the ring of power is, in fact, a ring of bondage. But as in every quest the journey takes us into danger and into the darkness of our own consciousness/soul and its unhealed and twisted knots. Those spaces must be held to the Light of Presence and awakening in order to be made whole. But who knows what inner allies we may meet, and my guide is a true and faithful one, Aslan.

For many years I dreamed a dream quest. In the quest I was entering a large castle of many rooms. From the center of the castle emanated a menacing presence, a guardian entity of some sort. And each room was filled with a haunted spirit. The quest involved of necessity a confrontation with each spirit in each room progressively. While filled with dread I would see the spirit and see the dilemma they were caught in and would bless and embrace them. In so doing they would be freed of their captivity to the particular room and would become an ally in the quest. Such is the nature of the confrontation with our own ghosts and unhealed inner places. Slowly each room in the castle was filled with light. But the whole castle cannot be Light until the ring is thrown into the fires of its forging and surrendered in entirety. That is the work of a lifetime.

That is my take on it, at this point. Hopefully the understanding will deepen in the course of this year and I will follow faithfully Aslan's lead.
All your expressions of support and encouragement are received with deep bows.
Bill Ryan
cmpnwtr@earthlink.net

Retirement- Great Grief/ Great Freedom

Today is Thursday, June 2. On Tues. I said goodbye to my colleagues of many years. We honored our walk with each other in the compassionate life of mental health service with a rite of passage, a liturgy of speaking who we are and the gifts we have given and received from each other in the circle of work. Until that morning most of the grief had been underground. I awoke with a heavy feeling of dread and recognized it almost immediately as that old friend, Grief. As the day progressed the skin came off my humanity and I began to feel more and more naked and raw. By the end of the day I was undone and unraveled, blubbering like an idiot, immersed in the reality of what shall be no more. That's a good thing!

I have taught many workshops and classes on grief. For many years I have taught my students in meditation that the only path to joy and freedom, that indeed the essence of transformative meditation practice is to live the Mystery of Existence Itself, to live the open-handed life and cling to nothing. The hand that is open is receptive, ready to bow and receive what is offered. The hand that is open continually offers in respect and love, releasing everything. In moments such as this day we experience the profundity of the gift we have received and release from the profundity of the attachment and bonds we have formed, offering the best of ourselves in that movement. Life is, and Heart Meditation Practice actualizes, the Great Way of ceaseless bowing and ceaseless offering.

Lovely descriptions and true. It doesn't take away our humanity and the wrenching and the tears when attachments are severed. When my son died and I held his lifeless body, when I sat in meditation as his body was consumed in cremation, there was no insulation from pain. The Great Way brings us home and we are **with** this and every other both painful and happy moment of phenomenal reality anchoring and living in the numinous world of the deathless and eternal. And we live and abide in both, living the open handed life of ceaseless bowing, and ceaseless offering. And we, like the master and poet Dogen of the 12 century may say, "I travel in this limitless realm, where every step I take is home."

In my grief I have come to appreciate again, what a vulnerable soul I am and how much I warm myself in human company. I have been blessed in this life with wonderful companions. And heaven knows, good companions are to be cherished. So, my friends of work and otherwise, I cherish you all. And I do not seek to sever myself from your befriending. I am resolved even in this coming year to communicate with you. And perhaps at the end of my time of commitment to intensive practice, in the flesh or at a distance, I shall learn to be a better and truer friend in new found freedom.

The Blessings of the Way be Yours,
Bill Ryan